Time to Laugh all my African readers, especially my Nigerian friends....Laughter makes the heart merry and is good medicine for the soul. I saw this article on my friends blog (Atilola Moronfolu) and could not help laughing all the way, I just had to share it with you too
How to buy N60.00 Ewa Aganyin with just N40.00 – The Authentic Seven Step Manual.
I have been
suspecting something for the past few months. As the days go by, my suspicion
grows stronger. I think the woman selling Ewa Aganyin in my area has jazzed me
with her beans. I am beginning to suspect that all these ‘Iya Bashira-ish’
rumours are true o, so my pipuls, if
you must patronise Bukas, shine your
eyes well well. Or how can I explain how I always want to eat her Ewa Aganyin
every single day. It doesn’t matter
whether there is food at home or not, I still crave for her beans. Even when we
are having parties in my house, I still send someone to buy her beans with
bread, despite all the plenty food at home. The overall irony of all is that I
don’t even like beans, and cannot stand where they are cooking any type of
beans. The only type of beans I now eat is Ewa Aganyin and preferably the one
from this particular woman in my area. You see why I am suspecting the jazz
thing?
After my
many bowl-carrying trips to her place, to and from work, I realised that I will
be spending an overall substantial part of my salary, which is not very much,
with her. Because of the efficiency of the yet-to-be-proved-but-effective jazz,
I always feel that the beans they sell to me is too small. So, with my newly
acquired experience and expertise in buying Ewa Aganyin, I have now been able
to develop a wise way of buying N40.00 beans and a substantial Ewa Aganyin
pepper that would satisfy me.
This method
works all the time with any Ewa Aganyin seller, I can beat my chest to it. This
manual I am selling to you has a money-back guarantee backing it, so no
worries. So here it goes
Step 1
Walk to the
small girl selling the beans (usually, the owner of the shop is not the one
selling, she usually puts a smaller girl she imported from Cotonou. This is one
of the reasons why the beans is always smaller, as she doesn’t want to oversell
and later receive a knock from her madam) from her Ikoko Irin.
Step 2
Ask the
girl to sell N30.00 beans to you. Yes, I know its N40.00 beans you want to buy,
but just follow my instruction. I am the Ewa Aganyin-buying expert here so do
as I say you read. Ask her to sell N30.00 beans. In most cases, she will
sell you three table spoons of beans. If you are like me, you will be
internally fuming at the small size of beans, but externally keeping your calm
and acting tush because you got down
from your car to buy the beans. Also, you don’t want the onise owos (artisans) sitting on the wooden bench, eating, to see
you lose your cool.
Step 3
Please,
monitor the number of table spoons of beans she is selling, as she is going to
sell only three and will be speedy about it, as you are not the only customer waiting to be attended to. When
the girl is about to sell the third spoon, say this to her, “Abeg, sell am well well o.” This will
make the small girl feel she did not sell the first two spoons well, so she
will ensure that the last spoon gauges well, and this act will ensure that your
beans is a little more than the usual three table spoons.
Step 4
Once Step 3 is completed, before she puts
the Ewa Aganyin special pepper on top of the beans, say this to her “Won’t you
put fisi?” This manual advises that
you say this in Yoruba. She is an imported Egun girl from the Badagry borders,
and would most likely understand Yoruba. If you don’t speak Yoruba, say it in
Pidgin. If you don’t speak Yoruba and Pidgin, well, I wonder why you are
reading this manual in the first place. Go and buy your Ewa Aganyin from Mr
Biggs’ Village kitchen. The sad fact is that the N200.00 Ewa Aganyin you would
be buying there is going to be equivalent to the N30.00 own we are pricing
here. Sorry o, but after all, you are blessed. So please, walk on or flip over to
the next page to read the next article.
So as I was
saying to the people that can speak Yoruba or Pidgin. Ask the lady for fisi. Most Lagos sellers comply with the
‘fisi policy’. Don’t be surprised if
the small girl has started frowning by now. Don’t worry, your own is to make
sure you get the maximum benefit from your money by following this manual. After
putting the fisi, your N30.00 beans
should be slightly more that the N40.00 value for now. She will then sell the
special pepper on top.
Step 5
After she
has packed your food and given you back your bowl, put it in the carrier bag
you brought with you. Hopefully, you didn’t just get down from your car with a bowl
without a carrier bag, as you are not interested in announcing to the whole
world that you just bought Ewa Aganyin. Hold your food and hesitate a bit. Ask
for bread if you want one.
You have to
apply skill in what you are about to do now. No one must suspect that you have
thought of this before. All of a sudden, bring out the bowl of beans you
initially bought in an instant, and say to the small girl, “You know what, I
don’t think this N30.00 beans will be enough, make it N40.00.” Yes, if the
small girl is wise, which she might most likely not be, she would glance at you,
knowing you just scammed her. But she would have no choice to collect the bowl
from you and add another table spoon. Whatever is in your bowl by now, though
it cost N40.00, would not have been as much as this if you had told the girl to
sell you N40.00 beans right from the start. You see why I said I am the expert
and you must follow the instructions of this manual?
Step 6
Just like
one of the numerical methods in Pure Mathematics (I cannot let my GEG 402
Engineering Mathematics course go to waste), this is called an Iterative step,
or what we call Iteration. Repeat Step 3, and
tell her, “Abeg, sell well well o.” For
the second time, she would be forced to gauge the spoon well again. By now,
your N40.00 beans should be reaching like N60.00 value.
Step 7 (optional)
Just in
case you are feeling lucky, you can press the Google’s ‘I-am-feeling-lucky-button’,
and repeat Step 4 by telling the
small girl to add fisi again. You
take this particular step at your own risk. I would not take responsibility for
what would happen to you if you do not take this particular step wisely. You
must be able to be sensitive to the atmosphere in the environment. This step is
for the extremely wise and cautious. It is really not compulsory, as your
N40.00 Ewa Aganyin should be voluminous by now. So don’t do overkill because of
greed.
So yes
these are the steps to buying beans worth of N60.00 with just N40.00. As I said
before, this manual is being sold to you with a money-back guarantee. It means,
if it doesn’t work for you, I would return your money, provided you show me the
beans your Ewa Aganyin vendor normally sells for N40.00 and the one she sells
for N60.00. You must also show the one you actually bought for you to have known
the manual did not work, so we can compare and confirm that these claims you make are real
and true.
Meet Atilola Moronfolu here http://atilola.blogspot.com
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